A few weeks ago, I was journalling about my quest to be a well rested woman. As my pen glided across the page I asked myself, what’s important? Before I had time to think I wrote ‘loving life now’. If I had time to think before I wrote I probably would have drafted a five point plan and turned it into a productivity project (I will forever be in toxic productivity recovery!).
I decided that in a world that constantly tells us we need to be more, do more, and have more to earn loving and being love I am making a radical decision: I'm choosing to love my life now exactly as it is.
Not when I've reached a certain income goal.
Not when I can do 10 fully body press-ups with good form.
Not when my savings account hits a certain number.
I'm choosing to love my life in its beautiful, messy, and utterly imperfect state.
I’m loving now. Like right now. This moment and then the next. Even when I don’t like it I’m going to remember to love it.
A few days after journaling about loving live now, I was sitting in my cosy yet cramped living room, I was about to have an internal moan about the size of my flat. Undoubtedly this would have led to me obsessing about how much money I need to make to buy my ‘bridge’ home which would be the home I buy before my forever home.
Then I reflected on all the joy I have experienced in my home and how much my daughter and I have grown here. I looked outside the window at the sky and trees in the distance and reflected how much time I spend in awe of the view. I listened to the birds chatter and remembered how blessed I felt the first time I heard an owl whilst I was standing in my kitchen and a realisation washed over me.
When I dropped down from my mind into my body, I was able to detach from the noise of internalised societal expectations and tap into contentment. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated glee - an epiphany that despite everything, there was so much to love about my life, right here, right now. I decided to extend that love to my living room and saw it through new eyes.
It is indeed a small flat and it is also a safe haven for my daughter and I (and her friends). With this new, loving vision I saw new possibility. I decluttered, moved, reorganised and now I have about 1/4 more space.
Unbeknownst to me, I wasn't just transforming my living environment; I was making room for love, growth, and new opportunities.
Whilst writing my book, Women Who Work Too Much, the way our conditioning moulds us to seek external validation was brought into sharp focus. We're taught to equate love and worth with pleasing others, usually at the expense of our own needs and desires. We are taught to give ourselves away in exchange for the momentary high of praise and validation then spend endless time chasing the next dose (which never satisfies). This is particularly pronounced for women and where womanhood intersects with race increase that tenfold. We face harsh criticism for displaying self-love and establishing healthy boundaries especially if we do not conform to Eurocentric beauty standards. Why is it that society praises self-neglect and demonises self-appreciation? (This is a rhetorical question!).
Women who love themselves out loud and see their value and beauty are often considered to be selfish, full of themselves and in some cases a bitch. But why shouldn’t we be full of ourselves? Who else should we be full of? What is the issue with trusting that you are worthy of your love? Why does having Healthy boundaries make you a bitch?
It seems to me that our society praises and reveres women for unloving themselves, for unseeing themselves, and for loving everyone but themselves. This leads us to postponing self-love, placing it just out of reach, beyond some milestone or achievement - proof that we are worthy. This conditional love keeps us in a perpetual state of longing, yearning, never quite satiated by the present.
But what if we embraced the aliveness of now? Loving our lives as they are doesn't mean abandoning goals or aspirations. It means meeting ourselves where we are and recognising the beauty in and around us, understanding that self-worth isn't tied to accomplishments.
We are taught that love is in grand gestures that love saves us from ourselves. And this cocktail of disconnection encourages us to ingest beliefs. That say we are only lovable when and we can’t love ourselves until…
But the small act of reorganising my living room led to reorganising my relationship with myself where I give myself the space to see me clearly and love what I see.
Here are some tips to help you choose to love your life now:
Mindfulness Practice: Start each day with a moment of gratitude. Reflect on three things you love about your life right now.
Affirmations: Create a set of personal affirmations that celebrate your worth and value independent of external achievements. Repeat them daily.
Declutter Your Space: Like my living room transformation, declutter a part of your home. Notice how creating physical space can mirror the creation of emotional and mental space in your life.
Write Your Successes: Keep a journal of your daily successes, no matter how small. This practice shifts focus from what's lacking to what's flourishing in your life.
Challenge Societal Norms: Actively question and challenge the societal expectations that dictate how you should live, love, and value yourself.
Note:
My debut book, Women Who Work Too Much is published on 5th March. If you like this post you’d probably like my book. All pre-orders are eligible to receive access to my Be Your Nervous Systems Best Friend course and a Be Your Nervous Systems Best Friend guided meditation. They are great accompaniments for the book and could help you love your self on a deeper level. Pre-order here [LINK] more info here [LINK]
Thanks for this nourishing read, Tamu. I especially liked the visual of you enjoying bird connections in your flat. 💛
Thank you Kara those every day joys just waiting for us to notice 🩷