Is it Ambition or the More Monster?

Is it drive or (g)rind?

I am ambitious. I am proud of my ambition,  it has been my guide and my drive, helping me create and experience a lot. Yesterday a friend of mine pointed out how much I have accomplished since starting this business in 2018. My first reaction was to dismiss it, I mean I’m only scratching the surface, but when I let it land my lower back softened and I felt the weight of my body where I was sitting - grounded. And as I felt into this feeling of groundedness I felt a full bodied yes, yes I have accomplished a lot in this time. 

Ambition, the strong desire to do or achieve something (Oxford dictionary)  is the lemon zest of life – it adds brightness, energy, and a tangy excitement. But sometimes, what I feel isn’t ambition at all. 

Sometimes, it’s the insatiable “more monster” 

And that’s where things get complicated.

The more monster is ambition’s shadow, not a display of passion but a symptom of toxic productivity lurking in my subconscious, always running in the background, ready to take over without a moment's notice. 

If ambition is the zest, the more monster is the rind – bitter, harsh, and unyielding. 

Instead of inspiring you toward action that is meaningful and purposeful, it turns ambition to an ever moving target keeping you stuck on a treadmill chasing the elusive more without getting any closer. 

More achievements, more money, more recognition, more perfection (how daft does that sound!!). 

It’s an outcome of conditioning in a world that teaches us to equate productivity with worth and doing more with being more. The thing is there is no end. There is no enough. There is no satisfaction. There is no joy. Just constant thirst that can never be quenched.

When I feel into zesty ambition I see moist lemon drizzle cake, home made lemonade, a herby salmon dressed with thin slices of lemon with steamed new potatoes drizzled with olive oil, sea salt flakes, fresh parsley and lemon zest - fucking delicious!

This is what my ambition feels like. A sumptuous home cooked meal with dessert that creates a sensory experience I feel from root to tip. I am connected to my body’s signals and I know when I feel satiated. When my ambition is grounded I am in deep trust, I know when to move and when to rest. I feel alive and joy guides me.

But then there are times when ambition is eclipsed and the shadow emerges. It becomes frantic, a cycle of toxic doing that never satisfies. The more monster ravages my life-force, I am driven to gruelling hard work that feels like crawling over gravel in the pursuit of proving my worth. Fuelled by the myth that success equals constant grind. 

The more monster thrives in the static noise of a society obsessed with toxic productivity.

The more monster is a product of our conditioning. A symptom of a system that has stunted our growth, made us forget that we are miracles, that we are more than enough just as we are. 

The more monster is capitalism’s emotionally abused offspring, keeping us in a constant state of go – for arbitrary success that is of no nutritional value.

And here’s the kicker: the more monster isn’t even based on truth.

It’s built on systems that need us to treat ourselves like commodities and numb our exhaustion with consumption. Keeping us trapped in a cycle of commodification and consumption which is fodder for capitalism - the biggest more monster of them all.

The more monster demands you sacrifice everything at the altar of productivity. It consumes your time, your energy, and, ultimately, your sense of self-worth. It tells you that if you keep achieving, ‘one day’ you will be enough.

But, authentic ambition is about alignment. It listens to what you want in your bones, what brings you joy and utilises work as a means to create it. Work contributes to your zesty life rather than leaving you with the rind.

So tell me dear one, do you have a more monster lurking in the shadows? And how does it manifest?